preliminary beltane afterthoughts

With Beltane behind me, how do I feel? I feel like change, I think.

I spent the event feeling like I didn’t fit in. Feeling detached and confused by the events around me. Everything was Very Pagan, but I don’t think that’s why it felt so inaccessible. There was definitely something missing. I’m still trying to figure it out.

My dissatisfaction with the event…or rather, with my inability to connect with the event, is still with me.

What I’ve come away with, though, is a reawakening of my personal feelings of connection with the universe and myself. It was a nice, relaxing, romantic weekend despite feeling out of place, and I think relaxing has given me the breathing space I needed to reconnect.

Another thought: maybe it wasn’t the “Very Pagan”-ness that turned me off, but how vanilla, granola, hippie, baby-boomer, church-in-a-different-form it felt? Maybe I’m turned off by any organization of faith/religion, christian or otherwise? I’ve got to admit the rituals all felt watered down….Disney-ized. But what do I know? I’m no pagan.

I do wish the whole thing had been…deeper. More open and interesting. More of the things and feelings I associate with the kinky community.

Anyway. I’m still mulling Beltane over. It’s entirely possible I need to give it one more try to really see how I feel about it.